Voice

When I'm uncertain, I hear it. I hear myself, a part of my very own mind, obstructing me.

It is there in all of us. The concept that there is an almost constant internal dialogue going on inside us is pretty remarkable. Being able to reflect on the nature of these psychological exchanges can teach us a lot about the inner workings of our minds.

The ability to hear these exchanges with the perspective of a neutral observer is something I've only just started to develop. While certainly no expert, the occasions I've been able to tune in have lead to significant insight.

It is in the moments where I am nervous, stressed or overwhelmed that the dialogue is loudest. And it is almost always telling me no. It wants to avoid embarrassment and judgement. It wants me to to minimise confrontation. Most of all what it wants is for me to stay safely inside of my comfort zone.

The logical twists and contortions used to rationalise this thoughts might appear so obvious to a perfectly rational brain, but when you're in the heat of those feelings and situations, rationality is never the closest tool at hand.

Look Jon, I know that right now you're trying to do something new and make yourself better, but look how far you've come today. You've done enough growing here, leave that for next time. Go be comfortable again.

This is not the perfect time for this, Jon, so don't attempt it. You've got this other inconsequential thing to do, and that's really more important than whatever it is that is making you uncomfortable right now.

Jon, think about how people will perceive you when you've messed this up. They think that you're fine, that you've got it all under control. Now here you are showing them that you don't. At all. So you can either risk throwing all of that away or you can protect that perception you've worked long and hard for by stopping now.

I've heard these justifications (nay, excuses) in my head hundreds of times over years and years, and they have been and will only ever be acts of self-deception. Just the simple act of writing those scenarios was almost as painful as it has been to hear and ultimately be constrained by them for all this time. But armed with the insight I can scrounge together each and ever day, I now know what I'm listening out for. Next time, rather than be talked down, I'll be able to push back.

Taste

There's no such thing as taste. Not taste like sweet or sour, taste as in that person has no taste. People use this idea of taste all the time. In some recent moments of intellectual laziness I have found myself tempted to make use of it but on reflection I feel it is complete bullshit and should really never be used. Here's why.

This understanding of the word taste is used to convey the idea that one person's preferences, values or interests are superior to someone else's. When it comes to preferences there can be no such thing as good or bad, only different perspectives. Neighbours might be an interesting, relevant and enjoyable show to a person that finds Mad Men self-indulgent, impenetrable and slow.

People who use the term taste in a derogatory manner show a pretty ugly side to their personalities. I'd argue that the subtext of the claim is often far more hostile and derogatory than its use appears on face value. By using the idea of taste as a weapon, they are often implying that they are, to varying degrees:

• smarter
• more refined
• better educated
• classier, or
• richer

than someone else. It's an extremely condescending intellectual stick with which to beat someone, particularly if they actually are less educated or wealthy than you. At that point it becomes simply demeaning and demoralising.

The fact that taste is so indefinable means that you either have it or you do not. It is considered inherent, unlike say playing golf or performing calculus. These are skills developed through effort or merit; saying that some has no taste implies that the person is, in some nebulous fashion, inherently inferior to you because you don't see eye-to-eye.

What a lack of taste amounts to is a different set of priorities. People who claim to possess taste in whatever form should take heed of this. He drives a Mazda, she drives a Mercedes. He might prefer to spend that spare fifty thousand dollars on something that brings him proportionally more joy. She likes Bon Jovi, he likes Tchaikovsky. Thousands of people watch Jon Bon Jovi rip through 'Livin' on a Prayer' every year in stadiums across the world. To deny the validity of other's choices is disrespectful and lazy. If you want to win an argument about quality, you need to be able to articulate what specific aspects of that thing make it superior in ways that anyone could understand. Let your argument live or die on its own merits rather than propping it up with the use of dead-end, dismissive insults.

Magic

I crave that which is quantifiable, measurable, tangible.

These are some of the ways I best understand things. If I can identify a pattern, I can come to terms with concepts and ideas quickly.

Most of the time, the way I get things done is by habit; by doing the same thing over and over. This is how I improve my fitness, my writing, my photography and music. I know that if I plan properly and execute on those plans well enough I am extremely likely to achieve the outcomes I want.

But in some areas of life, this doesn't work. At all.

Life is just as full of things that are seemingly unexplainable and mysterious than things that are measurable and consistent. Things that seemingly should be just aren't. That something makes sense to me on an intellectual level can be completely meaningless.

I think that focusing on the tangible aspects of life as I have for so long has led me to neglect the chaotic and magical aspects of the human experience. I cringe as I write the word magic, but that's the idea that kept finding its way into my head when I was thinking about this. These intangible things can seem so foreign to me that they might as well be magic.

What is it makes great creative people in the world so insightful? Why is it that some celebrities have a following despite not having done much of note whereas others slave away, never gaining any form of notoriety? What makes some people good friends and others lovers? What makes someone charismatic? The list of questions is endless. The thing that binds them all together in my mind is that I don't think that the answers can be found in process or repetition. Sometimes the universe feels so utterly arbitrary to me.

Things either are or are not; sometimes people are or are not. Not everything can be improved with a plan or explained by a graph or a model. Chaos is part of the human experience. I'm starting to come to terms with it but I'm not going to lie, it's a difficult one for me.