I crave that which is quantifiable, measurable, tangible.
These are some of the ways I best understand things. If I can identify a pattern, I can come to terms with concepts and ideas quickly.
Most of the time, the way I get things done is by habit; by doing the same thing over and over. This is how I improve my fitness, my writing, my photography and music. I know that if I plan properly and execute on those plans well enough I am extremely likely to achieve the outcomes I want.
But in some areas of life, this doesn't work. At all.
Life is just as full of things that are seemingly unexplainable and mysterious than things that are measurable and consistent. Things that seemingly should be just aren't. That something makes sense to me on an intellectual level can be completely meaningless.
I think that focusing on the tangible aspects of life as I have for so long has led me to neglect the chaotic and magical aspects of the human experience. I cringe as I write the word magic, but that's the idea that kept finding its way into my head when I was thinking about this. These intangible things can seem so foreign to me that they might as well be magic.
What is it makes great creative people in the world so insightful? Why is it that some celebrities have a following despite not having done much of note whereas others slave away, never gaining any form of notoriety? What makes some people good friends and others lovers? What makes someone charismatic? The list of questions is endless. The thing that binds them all together in my mind is that I don't think that the answers can be found in process or repetition. Sometimes the universe feels so utterly arbitrary to me.
Things either are or are not; sometimes people are or are not. Not everything can be improved with a plan or explained by a graph or a model. Chaos is part of the human experience. I'm starting to come to terms with it but I'm not going to lie, it's a difficult one for me.